Insecurity on the mat

It’s funny the way the mind and hormones can wreak havok on your bliss.  Stupid mind!  I was so excited about my boss travelling today.  There was a class that happened just at the time he would be in flight.  I was able to get there just in time and found the last spot on the mat: front and center of course!  I was feeling like it was going to be a great class but WHOA, my first catarunga indicated I was completely wrong.  I struggled and felt sore and pained and “what am I doing here? I don’t know shit about anything and I don’t belong here.”  Sigh.  The rest of the class was spent really trying to align my body with my breathing.  Let my breathing take over and it will all fall into place.  It seemed to be better after letting my breath lead the way.  But like life sometimes shows us, that was just one layer of the onion. 

After class I was talking with someone and the instructor started talking with her about her breathing and how that would really help her practice.  I have wanted to have a private session with her because she has a grace about her that I would love to better understand and apply my version of that to my practice.  Anyhow, I added a little bit to the discussion but felt like I was interrupting.  Then she walked off and I wanted to ask about a private with her and felt like a puppy chasing down it’s master – she wanted to grab coffee with a friend and I’m acting like a desperate fool.  Then, I’m downstairs with a juice and see some other classmates & an instructor, again, I feel desperate when I speak with them.  Like I can’t relax into myself.  They think I’m boring, I’m self absorbed, I’m lame.  But the truth of the matter is, none of this matters.  I was standing in front of them truly wanting to know about them.  It may be an ache that I am experiencing but I really can breathe my way out of it. 

I can allow myself to be my strong, independent loving self.  None of us are 100% graceful all the time but we can strive to be.  By beating up myself I’m doing nothing but prolonging finding that graceful place that I am working to be 99% of the time.

One response to this post.

  1. Ah, the impostor syndrome, know it well. Only people with a very high degree of drive and ambition experience it, so you’re in good company.

    Development and improvement always comes in plateaus. And when you’re on one, it doesn’t really feel like you are even maintaining your position, and can sometimes feel like you’re backsliding.

    But, in your case, definitely not true. You’re making wonder progress. Keep at it!


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