waves of dissertation insecurity

Today is the day, the insecurity reins.  I completed the exam for the yoga teacher training in late June.  Still hung over from 4.5 months of solid yoga training.  My mind swirled with trying to make sense of it all – the philosophy, kinesiology, the non-judging and the honest love for life.  I found myself not wanting to look at my final exam even after I submitted it because of the cringe worthy answers I likely gave.   “I was so tired”, I kept telling myself.  The insecurity rolls over me like a soft wave.  I am not aware of it happening but it consumes me.  Perhaps I am just seeing it now because the wave is receding.

During the training, I was hesitating with the teaching because I didn’t know enough.  I didn’t know it all.  I couldn’t ramble off forms and functions like some of the other students.  So a fellow student was talking with me and plainly asked ‘why are you even hesitating?  You know this stuff – own it’.  I got a boost from her and it gave me voice.  Yesterday, while training all new students at the garden, another YTT student showed up.  A good friend and a good soul.  She took the class along with the 6 other people.  She gave me feedback: “you need confidence”, “you know your stuff, show it”.  Other feedback is that my timing is good, balance on both sides, good pace, great engagement, good adjustments.  So, what am I waiting for?  A wave of confidence to knock me over the head?  With everything that I have studied, I know that the universe is not out to get me and that it is there to greet me and support me and love me.  I just have to let go of my own judgement and let myself fly.

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