Letting go to make room

Ugh.  It has been two weeks, three canceled yoga classes, a canceled vacation and still not enough sleep.  The cough lingers.  My neighbor had this cold before me but held onto it for six weeks.  It’s a doozy.  If there is a lesson in everything, what did this cold teach me?  It taught me to appreciate my friends.  It did this in an uncomfortable way. 

My neighbor and I carpool since we work in the same building.  I’ve been driving her to work most mornings for the past year.  Because of this, we’ve become friends.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and she does not.  She is a direct lass that plays it straight, or so I thought.  She invited me to Ireland and having never been there, I jumped at the opportunity.  What I didn’t count on was that I would be so emotionally devastated over losing my dog and having my mother visit, then leave, that I would exhaust myself.  I was (and still am) behind at work and physically drained not having been able to go to yoga for weeks.  I caught this terrible cold.  I canceled the trip.  I was having major stomach and other health issues and the idea of going somewhere to relax while my body was screaming at me to be here and take care of things just wasn’t available.  So, I canceled.  She just responded with an “I don’t really understand but whatever, I’m going to go and have a great time”.  I told her I would pay for the cancellation expenses and said “I don’t want to talk about it”. 

She just got back last night and I sent her a quick note telling her I hope she had fun and I can give her a ride to work.  She responded back that she had something going on but would let me know.  There was a small exchange of instant messages and at one point, I threw out a line and told her that I am still sick and missed several days of work.  There was no inquiry from her at all.  So, I let go.  It’s funny that we can be in sync with people 80% of the way but that last 10-20% gets us.  In the past I would have really fought for her friendship nearly begging for her forgiveness but at this point, I say fuck it.  I have amazing friends that love me, seriously care about me and I do not need to fight for a friend that prefers to hold in her anger rather than just tell me what she has going and move on.  I gave her my options and it just really sucks that there was no compassion.  I am in no way easily excusing what I did was cool.  It totally sucked and was not cool but what were my options?  I know I would have been further exhausted.  Instead, I ended up staying home from work (actually sent home) and making time to go to two doctors, get a massage (detox deep tissue style) and get acupuncture done.  After this I felt much closer to being my normal self with a lingering cough.  So,  I did what was right for me.  If I had a friend tell me what she had going on and she needed to do something for herself, I say ‘go for it’ and have absolutely no problem with that.   So, now without a carpool friend, I find myself actually leaving for work a little earlier and enjoying listening to the radio morning news or whatever is on.  I found that having let go of the routine from the past year and moving on is actually not a bad thing.  It’s still just part of my journey with a little more room for me.

With love.

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