whittling and chipping away at the non-love

I’m in that space this week where I am pretty sure something is about to happen. I am preoccupied with this thing but I can’t put my finger on it. There are several different pieces of my life that are changing right now – I think through my yoga I’m attempting to go into that unknown space of myself to try to figure out what makes me uncomfortable and why and comfortably trust releasing myself from the pain. It is through this process that I’ve changed so much this year. It is not noticable to the outside world although people not familiar with my life have commented that I seem calmer and steadier and happier. Strangely, I’m allowing myself happiness despite the process of hurting others. I’ve had to release people not because I didn’t love them but because I didn’t love myself when I was with them. I have love for them but know the relationships were not helping us grow as individuals. So, as I keep peeling away these layers, these things happen and I can no longer look away. My life moves in a direction that is unknown but what was once uncomfortable, becomes accepted for what it is.
Getting back to this thing I feel is happening. Well, nothing in particular is happening but I know that my life is going to keep changing. We truly do move in the direction of our thoughts and it is a choice, through training, what our thoughts are going to be. As Rumi wrote: “This night will pass… Then we have work to do… Everything has to do, with loving and not loving…” Word that, R. So, are the words you speak out of love or not love? Love for yourself, your integrity, your body, your life passion? In no way is this easy and in no way am I claiming I’m ‘there’, it’s a process but I keep whittling away at my exterior to find my soft self and let that part of me be comfortably exposed to the world.

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Deej on June 22, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    I loved this post, Kel. The tricky thing, it seems, is to be authentic as we grow, without dismissing the realities one faces in massive change. You are handeling it beautifully. I’m inspired by your journey.


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